04 September 2019
Pistol in your pocket
The finicky question of scale is a perennial issue in wargaming, especially when it comes to weapons. Go too small, and you risk the dreaded ‘snappy-rifle’ syndrome of overly delicate barrels. If you’re going heroic scale, you’ll need to scale the weapons to match the size of the hands. Oh the endless problems. So there’s nothing quite like jumping the shark and making weapons so big, so impractically massive, that they practically create their own gravitational orbit. For your delectation, we present three weapons in wargaming that could only be described (as a certain orange-faced moron in the White House might say) as “huyuge.”
3. Confederate Trooper with Heavy Slugger – Wild West Exodus
These gun’s ain’t whistlin’ Dixie! Think of your average Confederate soldier. Historically speaking, he’s probably a bit grubby (everyone was in those days), spends most of his time marching and setting up camp, and is armed with a musket that shoots one round a minute at best. And not a bullet, mind you; just a titchy little ball of lead that’s he’s probably cast himself whilst sitting by a campfire eating stew. Now take that said Confederate, pump him with enough ‘roids to embarrass Arnold Schwarzenegger, and then hand him a pair of twin-barreled, high-caliber machine guns. It’s such a hilariously weird concept that it doesn’t even need to justify basic logical questions of how’d he’d have the strenght to pick two wrought iron weapons as big as his torso, let alone aim the damn things.
2. Ork Flash Gitz – Warhammer 40,000
Dakka dakka dakka! If you mention ridiculously oversized weapons and wargaming in the same sentence it’s nearly inevitable that Orks are going to get a mention in some capacity. The king of big shootas are the flash gitz, and just look at those weapons! Resembling nothing so much as a fridge with guns bolted to them, their weapons are ludicrously oversized even by Ork standards. For reasons totally opaque, their shootas even have engines attached to them, though Gork only knows why.
1. Big Bob Watts - Warzone
The old Warzone wargame by Target Games had a bunch of great-looking sculpts, as well as some downright godawful ones. One that managed to somehow be both was this miniature, representing a named character called Big Bob Watts. With not one but two guns literally as tall as he is strapped to each shoulder this guy has to be the pinnacle of obscenely oversized weaponry. Where’s his reserve ammo? How does he reload these things? Would he not be a massively obvious target for the enemy? How does he aim? Is he not deaf by now? How on earth does he even stagger a few paces forward?! The answer to all these questions are Fuck You, I’m a Manly Motherfucker with guns so huge I’m practically walking artillery.